Chapter Fifteen

Eva

I waste no time locking my door and windows

It’s past midnight making it officially my twenty-first and I straight up don’t trust Nina, especially after ducking out on her early.

        The fact that she told Declan really doesn’t bode well for what she probably has planned. After tonight, I more than ever want to pretend it’s just a normal Saturday. 

        Bone tired, I pull off my costume, chisel the makeup from my face, and comb the sex bomb ponytail out of my hair before I climb into the shower. The water is set to as hot as I can stand and I stay in there until it runs frigid. 

If I can just keep my mind blank for a little while longer, I might fall asleep before I fall apart.

But memories filter in anyway....

15 years ago

  “I want to go with you!” My shoulders shake from the force of my sobs as I watch Miss Ally move around her room.  Streaks of wetness line my pink dance leotard. I was so happy an hour ago. I just finished my first day of ballet class. Miss Ally took me for birthday ice cream and I was going to get a present after dinner.

        And now I’ll never be happy again. 

        She picks up her sparse belongings on her dresser and carefully places them into her old suitcase on the bed beside me. Her angelic features are strained and her cheeks are shiny.    

        Big fat tears spill from her dark brown eyes and her face crumbles. She sits on the squeaky bed and pulls me onto her lap, rocking us gently as she places a kiss to the crown of my head.

        “Oh, mon chou,” she whispers brokenly. She strokes my hair as she cries with me. “I wish I could. But you’re not mine to take.”

        “You can take me!” I sob, my freshly five year old heart splitting in two at the thought of living here without her. “They don’t want me. I want to be with you!”

        “It’s not up to us.” It’s quiet for a while. The only sounds are our cries and the springs squeaking on the bed as she rocks us back and forth then she sets me on my feet, still clad in my new ballet slippers. 

        “I want you to have something.” Miss Ally picks up a small blue suitcase with little flowers printed on in and opens the clasp. Inside sits an old record player. “This once belonged to my mother. She gave it to me, and I am giving it to you.” 

        She takes a record from a drawer and pulls the vinyl from its weathered sleeve, placing it carefully on the turntable. After a moment a pretty voice fills the room, as she sings the same French song, Ms Ally always sings to me when I’m scared.

        “Evangeline, when you play this song, think of me. Even if we are to never meet again—“

        “Don’t say that!” I shout.

        But she only shakes her head in that patient, wise way she always does, as she crouches in front of me and takes my face in her hands. “When you listen to my favorite song, know that you are loved. You are treasured.”

        There’s a brisk knock on the door.

        “I must go now,” she whispers, clutching me into the tightest hug as I cry with painful heaving sobs. “I love you Evangeline. So much.”

        “Please don’t leave me.”

        Then she’s gone.

        Shivering, I climb from the shower and wrap a thick robe around my soaking wet body, as I drag myself through the darkened apartment back to my room. My bare feet pad against the hardwood floor, creaking every few steps as I cross the hall into my bedroom. I just want to crawl into bed and wake up on Monday.

        “You going cold on me, Doe Eyes?”

        I let out a startled shriek at the sound of Jamie’s quiet thunder voice. 

        He’s seated on the edge of my bed with his elbows resting on his knees waiting for me, his broad form is shadowed in the moonlight. Through the silver beams filtering in between my blinds, I can see he’s washed the skull makeup off his face but his hands are still covered in smudged paint.

        “How the hell did you get in here?” I shout, holding one hand to my chest and another to my forehead.

        “Picked your lock.” 

        “Are you insane?” I gape at him like he’s a lunatic. “I locked the door for a reason!”

        He raises his turbulent eyes to mine, rubbing his hands together slowly. Other than that he doesn’t move. He must be waiting for me to speak but I’m not interested in having a conversation with anyone, let alone him right now.

        “You’re not acting right.”

        “Says the man who just broke into my fucking apartment!”

        “Who was on the phone?" He asks calmly like I’m the one who’s being ridiculous right now.

        “It doesn’t matter.”

        “Who was on the phone Eva?” His voice is still soft but there’s a subtle barb to it that lashes across the room like a whip.

        “It doesn't matter, Jamie.” No way in hell am I telling the man who has more or less told me to go fuck myself, all about the high functioning sociopaths I call my parents.

It’s silent for just a second.

        “It does,” His voice is soft then rises. “When you start freezing everyone out.” 

It’s like a sonic boom.

I jump a whole foot from the volume. 

Jamie has never actually shouted at me. I’ve never heard him raise his voice at anyone, come to think of it. He’s always been intimidating enough without having to be loud about it. 

Right now though, he’s being very loud.

        He can shout all he wants. It won’t matter because I won’t let him get to me. Not tonight. For once, I don’t give a single solitary shit about his feelings or where I stand with him. I don’t want to fix us. 

        “Not everyone.” I reply evenly after a beat.

        He puffs out a frustrated scoff, “So just me then?”

        I take a page out of his book and refuse to respond.

        “Are you serious?” 

        “Don’t you dare act like this isn’t what you want.” I’m not the bad guy here and he can go to hell for trying to make me feel like one.

        “Fuck you, Eva!” He roars again. His voice is almost going hoarse from the strain. “How do you know what I fucking want?”

        Despite my best efforts to channel my inner Queen Elsa, I flinch. I don’t know if it’s the volume of  the words, or the ferocity behind them that has my icy fortress crumbling. I pull my hand to my forehead and silently count, praying with everything I have I can keep it together until he leaves.

        Looks like I’m crying myself to sleep after all.

        “Just go home.” I avoid his eyes searching frantically for something to focus on besides the angry sex god shouting at me in my small dark bedroom. “Give Lisa a call or something. I’m sure she’ll be happy to calm you down.”

        “Who the hell is Lisa?”

        “The angel I had you buy a drink for, you douchebag!”  I’m now shouting too. I’m yelling at him. Telling him to go fuck my friend from school and confirming in every possible way that I’m jealous. I sound weak, and somehow that’s the worst thing that’s happened tonight.

        “The fuck? What are you, my wingman now?” 

I twist my mouth shut because when he puts it like that it does sound crazy.

        “Look at me.”

 But I just can’t, I’ll crumble if I do. 

        Trying to buy some time, I turn my back to him and go to work digging in my closet for sleep clothes.  I just need thirty more seconds and I’ll be back to numb, I’m sure of it.

        “For fucks sake,” He hisses.

        Before I can completely process what’s happening he storms up behind me and spins me around, gripping my waist, pulling my legs up before he backs me against the wall. I’m pinned against his body as he catches the front of my jaw and holds my face in place. 

        “Look. At. Me.”

With no choice but to stare into his sea blues, everything I’ve been keeping in check tonight… disintegrates.

The trembling starts in my chest.

It spreads up my neck, down my limbs… all the way to my toes and fingertips until I’m shaking uncontrollably against him. A tell tale sting prickles my sinuses and I smell my tears before they well in my eyes.

        Oh god. I’m going to cry right in front of him. My hands land on his shoulders with the intention of pushing him away, but my trembling fingers fist into his shirt trying to pull him closer.

        “Just go.” I whisper as the first drop rolls down my cheek. I feel it hit his hand that’s still clutching my jaw and pool against his skin.

        He looks down to his hand but something catches his attention. His eyes dip lower and he breathes out a harsh curse as he realizes that my robe opened during our little struggle.

Jamie freezes except for his eyes as they slowly scorch the path of exposed skin back to my face. When our eyes lock, that ever present energy ignites.

        That hurt look has turned hungry causing fire to rip through me.  Two more tears fall from my eyes and the shaking in my body intensifies, kindling the flames that are now licking through my veins.

        “Is that really what you want?” He whispers, as the hand that’s holding my face, gently slides down the front of my throat following the path his eyes just took. He stops when he reaches my sternum, holding it there against the center of my chest while he waits for my answer.

        “It doe-doesn’t matter what I w-want...” I stutter out on a rocky gasp, hating him for making me admit the truth. More tears tumble down my cheeks, splashing on his hand as they fall between us.

        Jamie’s eyes thin. 

        Something about my answer seems to wash away all of the tension running through him, leaving him dangerously calm. He’s almost apathetic.

But I can feel it.

I can feel the ever present storm raging inside of him as he presses his hand firmly against my skin and drags it down the front of my stomach then snakes it around my waist. The action causes my robe to open wider as he steps closer. 

        He pulls my hips into him, my bare flesh rubbing against his jeans. The friction created by the small movement has my mouth falling open as my breathing goes shallow. The left side of the robe slips down my shoulders leaving half of my torso completely exposed but he keeps his eyes on my face.

        “And why wouldn’t it matter, Doe Eyes?” He asks, just centimeters from my mouth. 

        I press my lips into a wobbly stubborn line, staying quiet. We remain tangled together in still silence, while my heart pounds like an 808. I’m vulnerable enough as it is right now without admitting what we both already know.

        That I’m not enough.

        Without any warning, the hand on my waist shoots down and smacks my ass. Sending all of the heat that’s coursing through me straight to my core. My whole body jerks against him from the pleasure mixing with the sting and I release a shattered gasp.

        “Answer me.”

        “Be...because...you don...don’t want me.” The shaking, my pounding heart, and the war of tremors converge, effecting my speech. “Bec-cause...I’m not enough.”

        Jamie chuckles. The puff of air from his lips skates across my face.

I jerk as he pulls me closer. 

        “Oh yeah?” His lips graze mine as he speaks. Then he viciously yanks me from the wall until I’m flush against him. The exposed skin down my front practically sings on contact and I cry out into his mouth. “And how the fuck would you know what I want?” 

        My brain is starting to short circuit. I can’t hear my thoughts over the sound of my pounding pulse in my ears.

        He smacks my ass again. “Answer me.”

        “I....I...don’t know.” What was the question? 

        His lips comes down swift and hard on mine. His tongue stroking me until I start to pant and then he pulls away. 

        “That’s right.” His hand slides up the front of my body returning to my breast bone. Jamie pushes me back against the wall keeping my legs wrapped around him as he grips my thigh. “You don’t fucking know.”

        His finally allows his gaze to trickle down again. His breathing picks as he studies me, but beyond that he remains halcyon, tilting his head ever so slightly in concentration as he takes in my exposed body. His rough fingertips skim across my flushed skin as he slowly slides the rest of the robe aside so that I’m completely bare to him. I should be embarrassed that he’s holding me more or less, naked against the wall but I’m currently too turned on to really care.

        “You have no idea.” His head drops down as he takes my nipple in his mouth. 

        “O-Oh my god...” I hiccup as his hot mouth on my sensitive skin sends another violent shot of heat through me and my hips buck against him reflexively. My hands mindlessly slide from his shoulders up into his hair. He bites down then flattens his tongue and licks the sting slow. Like he has all the time in the world and I’m not a ticking time bomb in his arms.

        “You don’t know that I think about fucking you to sleep every night.” He continues almost conversationally as he moves his mouth to my other breast. I let out a long deep moan as my hips start to roll haphazardly against him. My body is overwhelmed with the sensations he’s creating and I’m losing control over myself.

        “Shhh...” He holds my hips still, kissing me hard for just a second then pulling away again. 

        “You don’t know that I was up all last night wondering if your pussy tastes as good as your mouth.” He studies my lips thoughtfully as his thumb slides over to my center and dips down.

        “How I’ve been wondering for weeks if your legs shake right before you come...” He slowly drags his thumb up my seem pulling a helpless cry from my throat. 

        He lets out a hiss. 

        “Fuck... you’re soaked.” His stoic facade fracturing for just a moment before he brings his thumb up to my nipple and wipes the moisture against it. 

        “Just need a little taste,” he whispers. Then he brings his head down and sucks it off.

        “Oh shit—”

Jamie clamps his hand over my mouth as he sucks every last drop of me off of my nipple. I don’t know why he needs to keep this quiet, no one is around to hear me scream but something about having his hand over my mouth like this makes all of that sugary heat surge stronger. 

        “Is this what you think about?” He asks in that cavalier tone as he dips his hand back between my legs. He starts stroking me with a painstakingly slow, feather light touch teasing me to the point of insanity. He’s barely touching me and it feels so good I’m borderline worried I’m going to pass out.

        “Answer me, Doe Eyes,” his tone sharpens from my silence. “Do you think about this? At night, when you slide your pretty fingers down those little tight shorts, your legs spread wide in those fucking striped socks ... Do you think about me?”

        Oh my god...

        I make soft nonsensical noises that are supposed to be words. My breathing is far too choppy at this point to support any kind of language.

        “What was that?” He asks as I continue to mutter and gasp incoherently while he teases  me with his fingertips.

        He lifts his hand away from me and grips my face. “I asked you a question.”

        “Ye-e-e-sss!” My lungs are heaving and I’m shaking so hard my muscles ache. “Ithink… I th-think about you… do-doing this... to me.” I pull in as much air as I can while looking into his stormy eyes. “I think about it every.... time I touch myself.” 

         In a split second, Jamie completely snaps.

         His full lips crash down on mine going to war with me. Fucking delirious with lust at this point, I devour his mouth right back. Sucking on his tongue with a needy whimper as he yanks me from the wall and stalks over to the bed. He throws me down and tugs me to the edge by my ankle. He pulls my legs up and then bends down and runs the flat of his tongue firmly up my center. 

         The second his mouth makes contact with my sensitive skin, my vision begins to spot. I’ve never in my entire life, felt anything this good. He slides my legs over his shoulder and holds my hips down with his forearm as he licks me again. My hands instantly thread through his hair as I hold him between my legs. 

        “Sonafbitch, you’re good.” He growls against my center. Before he dives back in for more. He’s not playing with me anymore. This isn’t restrained, or deliberate. Jamie has completely lost control as he feasts on me.

        And I’m crying it feels so good. 

        He drags his tongue over me again and again, devouring me as he sucks my clit into his mouth and thrusts his middle finger inside of me curling it up then dragging his hooked fingertip firmly down my walls.

        And just like that, I go off.

        I come hard and long against his mouth, arching high off the bed with a sob as the swell of scalding euphoria crash over me. He crawls up my body and crushes his lips down to mine swallowing the last of my cries. I kiss him back with complete abandon as I continue to convulse with aftershocks.

        “Holy shit.” I’m half tangled in the robe with my legs wrapped around his hips. My body is covered in streaks of makeup from his hands And I’m still shaking. My face is damp with tears and sweat. “That was a lot.”

        I must look like a fucking disaster.

        “There she is.” He says softly, tucking a wet lock of hair behind my ear.

        I sneak an embarrassed peak up at him as he runs his inked knuckles tenderly along my cheek. He smiles with his dimples and next thing I know fresh tears are running down my face again. I feel like I’ve cried more tonight than I have in the past year.

        “I really miss you.” I whisper.

        He wipes my face gently as the veil that always hangs over his expression lifts like last night, showing me the well of those deep broken emotions he closes off to the world.

        “I miss you too.”

        We’re quiet as I try to soak up as much of this moment as possible before the curtain falls back in place but he keeps his expression open as he looks down at me. Like he’s raising his white flag in the battle we’ve been locked in. 

        “It was my dad.” I confess, raising a white flag of my own. “On the phone earlier, it was my dad.”

        “I know.” He answers quietly before rolling over to pull me across his chest as he makes us more comfortable. I no sooner settle against him before my eyelids grow impossibly heavy and I slip away.

        “Happy birthday, Doe Eyes.” I hear him whisper before I succumb to sleep.