Chapter Fourteen

Eva

  SWAGGER BOY: Miss me?

    I’m just settling into the back seat of my ride home from rehearsals when my phone pings with a text from Declan. In spite of all of my gloom and doom from this fiasco of a week. My face splits into a grin. I do miss the irreverent asshat. My daily texts with Declan are fun and all but it’s not the same as hanging out in person. I could use a dose of fun right now.  

        EVA: Nope! What are you up to?

        SWAGGER BOY: Eh, in the middle of a blow job and thought of you.

        For any other person I would assume they were joking, but with Declan Carson, there is a legitimate fifty-fifty chance he’s in the middle of a fucking blow job and texting on his phone. 

        EVA: Giving or receiving? Either way, impressive multitasking.

        SWAGGER BOY: I’ll never tell. Heard a rumor from a little red birdie that your        birthday is tomorrow. Keep an eye out for my present.

        “Ugh. Damnit Nina...” I usually spend the day trying to sleep through it. Wake up, pop two Tylenol PMs, go back to sleep, and repeat until it’s November second. Not this year though. Ever since last week when she found out, Nina has been absolutely hellbent on making it a thing.

        I was hoping it would slip her mind with all the Halloween hoopla but it looks like I was wrong.

        EVA: Nina is a dirty snitch. DO NOT send anything! Seriously, thanks, but I don’t want your used boxers. ;) 

        SWAGGER BOY: Like I would bestow something so precious on you. It’s too late anyway. Happy birthday, Sweetness!

        “Yeah, somehow I doubt it’s going to be happy,” I close out the text just as the car pulls up to Townsend House.

After a dance-bag-riddled-hustle up the steps I burst through Nina’s door; ignoring the three foot ghoul that comes to life with a creepy cackle as I cross the threshold. Her entire apartment looks like a Halloween store. With spiderwebs pulled across her windows, wicked witch and monster throw pillows, all accented by a massive cauldron filled to the brim with candy. Luke has quietly set up shop next to it and has this crazed sugar induced look on his face.

        “You told Dec, you traitor!” I plop down next to Ryan at her counter, swatting a hanging rubber bat out of the way as I wait for her to finish up his face.

        He cuts his eyes to me and pushes two large cups of coffee in my direction.

        Not all heroes wear capes.

        “Sorry, not sorryyy,” she sings, giving his shiny new joker face a generous spray with setter. Then she rounds on me. “Now hold still.  I still have Luke then Jamie to do upstairs. If you make me miss the trick or treaters, I’ll make you piss blood for a week.”

        So unsettling.

        “And you!” She looks at her boyfriend and stomps her foot so hard the pictures on the wall rattle. “Save some candy for the kids or I will feed you to them.”

        I’ll never understand how someone who bullies people as much as Nina does can be so lovable.

******* 

        Two hours later I’m over at Underground, giving my costume another frustrated scoot up my body, and wonder for the hundredth time what I was thinking when I let Nina put me in this outfit. It’s like black swan meets a BDSM fantasy. The only authentic pieces of this costume are my tutu and shoes—which she spray painted black.

Everything else has been sexed up to the max. 

        Instead of the leotard I planned to wear, she shoved me into a black satin corset that zips up the front and has mesh cut outs along the sides (I don’t even want to think about why she had this garment on hand). She tied a black satin choker around my neck with silver chains hanging down my chest to frame my pushed-up boobs, and I’m wearing ripped fishnet stockings. 

        Fishnets, I say!  

        My makeup is very ala Natalie Portman’s Black Swan with the feathering around my eyes and she painted my lips red again, then stuck black feathers in the tiara that holds in place the crazy pumped up ponytail she teased into existence.

        I feel ridiculous. 

        Finished my set up, I’m against the bar sipping my coffee and hiding in my phone, when I hear it. 

The faint ding of the door chime from the bodega. 

        I keep my eyes glued to my phone but they unfocus as his booted footsteps grow louder with each step he takes down the red staircase. By the time he’s near the bottom, my heart is pounding and despite my best effort, I can’t resist turning over my shoulder as he enters the room. 

        My god… this man.

        Nina painted a  skull on Jamie’s face and he looks every bit the Angry Sex God Lisa described him to be earlier when she described the hot bartenders here at the Underground.

Jamie stops short when he sees me. His gaze devouring me from ponytail to shoes and back up again. The heat from last night’s gaze in the stairwell is nothing compared to this.

        Maybe this outfit isn’t so bad after all.

        I let the unchecked lust in his eyes pull my mouth into a shy smile. “Nina obviously never saw the ballet.” 

        He snaps out of his reverie.

All I get is a blank expression.

He doesn’t answer as he rounds the bar and begins setting up. I wait to see if he’ll tease me about my costume or ask me how many coffees I’m up to today, but he stays silent as he works. A thousand miles away and I can’t tell if I’m panicked that I’m really losing him or fed up with his bullshit.

  I’m tired of being patient. It makes me feel like I’m begging for scraps of affection and I’m supposed to be better than that now.

I give it my best shot anyway.

        “I like the skull. Did you pick it?”

        “No.” 

        My hands fist around my phone.“Doesn’t surprise me. She’s pretty bossy about this stuff.” 

        No response.

        See? Begging. 

        I go back to looking through my phone and try to catch up on an article I’m researching for class. If we’re just going to ignore each other the least I can do is be productive. We sit in thick silence for ten minutes. 

        A text comes in just as I’m closing out the article.

        Alicia (NEW PA): Good afternoon Evangeline. I apologize if this is awkward, but is today your birthday? Your mother can’t remember and it’s not in her calendar.

        I grip my phone so tight my knuckles turn white. And so it begins.  I wondered if this would happen now that I’m not home. Typically my parents just flat out ignore it. 

        A new text comes in from a strange number:

        UNKNOWN: Hey this is Alicia. I’m using my personal phone right now. Listen, I’m SO sorry I put you on the spot like that. I was going to reach out to your dad’s assistant but your mom was adamant that I ask you for some reason.

Of course she was adamant.

I swear if the woman put half as much effort into accepting me as she does into making me feel like shit she’d be the mother of the goddamn year.       

Everything inside me begins to boil. 

This is the first time my mother has reached out in any capacity since I left and it was to put her poor PA through some kind of twisted loyalty test. She doesn’t give a shit about my birthday, she just wanted to see her new servant squirm.

        And most importantly—remind me that she doesn't care enough to remember.

        I type out and delete three replies from angry to polite before I settle on not answering at all. Alicia has the text to prove she asked. I don’t need to play my mother’s narcissistic games anymore. I smack my phone down against the bar and drain the last of my coffee, wishing it was tequila.

        “What?”

Of course he speaks now. After he sees me react to a text.

Not when I’m begging him to talk to me.

        It isn’t until I look up into Jamie’s harsh eyes, that I realize I’m breathing heavily.  An icy rage branches through my blood as all of the reasons I hate my birthday officially converge with the shit show that’s been us. 

        My parents don’t care. 

Jamie might but not enough to try. 

That’s all I have with these people. Not at all… or not enough to count. 

Just like that, all of the sadness I’ve been nursing over Jamie  for the past week turns cold as a frost cools my veins. A frigid calm settles in my chest brings with it a blessed numbness; temporary as it may be. 

I stand and walk away. 

        I have nothing to say to him either.

 ******

        It’s mayhem here tonight.

        The bar is packed with wall to wall bodies. Most people are dressed in outlandish costumes and I have not stopped moving since we opened. Miracle of all miracles, I’m ahead of the game with my tables and I can already tell my pushed-up tits have me making a killing in tips.

        I’m dropping a check on my way to another table when I hear familiar voices calling my name over the crowd. Lisa and Nick wave me over with a small group of minions from the program. The king and queen like to travel with an entourage

        She’s dressed as an angel and he’s a devil.

        “Hey guys, you made it!” I stop and give them each a one-armed hug.

        “Holy shit Eva.” Lisa grins as she takes in my over the top costume. “I think I want to fuck you.”

        Nick nods adamantly. “You look goddamn delicious.” 

        “I had very little input on this,” I wave my hands up and down the side of my body. “Let me buy you guys a drink.”

        “Get me the sex god!” Lisa shouts, leaning in so I can hear her.

        Fine by me.

         I bend over the service bar and flag down Jamie, he comes over and I quickly introduce them and instruct him to get them whatever they want and put it under me. 

        Lisa’s perfect blood red lips curve into a sly smile. Her silky black hair falls around her shoulder, creating a curtain over her face as she casually bends towards Jamie as he leans in to hear her over the crowd.

I tap my next order into the computer and fill a pitcher of water for my table of goblins by the stage.

        They can fuck each other right there for all I care.

        I keep myself in the zone and plow through the next couple of hours of my shift. My drinks stay put on my tray. My tables are happy, and my tips pile up. 

What a successful night.

I pull a pile of fresh rags from the cleaning closet in the back. 

        Nina wordlessly snatches them so I can get the disinfectant bottles from the top shelf, and follows me to the serving station where we work together to wipe up a soda spill. She isn’t officially working tonight but has been quietly saving our asses behind the scenes since 8pm after the trick or treat candy finally ran out.  

My phone goes off in my apron. As soon as I see who's calling I heave a sigh that does nothing to ease the shitty tight feeling pulling at my chest. My thumb moves to press ‘end’ but Nina sees and sends me outback.

        “Take five, I’ve got your tables.” 

        I try to argue but she grabs my phone and hits answer. 

        “Go!” She whisper-shouts pointing to the back door.

        “Hello? Evangeline? I have your father on the line.” His secretary’s brisk voice informs me.

        I sit on a crate and stare at the brick walls in the alley.

        “Evangeline.” My father greets in a tone so void of emotion it’s clinical. “It’s late on the east coast but I want to wish you a happy birthday. I hope your day was enjoyable.”

        He sounds like he’s reading a statement and I truly would not be surprised if that was indeed the case. I can imagine his assistant connecting the call and dropping a note on his polished desk that says READ OUT LOUD scrolled in bold letters across the top. My parents’ staff has always tried their best to compensate for their garbage parenting. It’s a sweet sentiment on their part, if not poorly executed. But then the St. Clairs have never been easy to work for, so their plates are always piled a bit too high to adequately make up for their boss’s shortcomings.

        Usually I play along for their sake. But not tonight.

        “Jesus Christ.” My laugh burns, it’s so bitter. “My birthday is tomorrow.”

        “Then happy birthday tomorrow,” he bites across the line. “ I didn’t have to take time out of my day to call in the first place. Also, watch your language, you sound poor.”

        Heaven forbid.

        “Okay, well fuck you very much. Bye.” I hang up before he can respond. Then turn the phone off for good measure and chuck it down beside me. I don’t think my father would ever call back out of guilt, but I doubt he appreciated the farewell.

        Every. Damn. Year.

God, I’m so tired. I hang my head and grip the sides of the crate as hard as I can while I count slowly to twenty. 

Every single year I go through this shit with them and I don’t understand why I even care at this point. I’m at peace with our relationship any other day, but my birthday always guts me. Maybe because it was my first clue as a kid that they didn’t love me.

        Then they fired the one person who did because Miss Ally wanted them to celebrate with us. God forbid the nanny ask them to push back their dinner reservations by fifteen minutes to sing happy birthday to their daughter. 

        Such insubordination could not be tolerated.

         I make it to twenty and let out a hollow breath, grateful to be back to numb. I have a finite amount of time to function like this and when this bit runs its course shit will not be pretty.

“The hell was that about?” 

        Speaking of rejection...

        Jamie’s lighter flicks open and the fumes of a freshly lit cigarette pour through the alleyway. I didn’t hear him come out, I was so deep in my suppression meditation. Not that it would have made any difference if I had. I stand, mentally pulling my cloak of disinterest tighter around my heart as I look through him. 

        “Nothing.” I reply in a flat tone, not unlike the one he’s used on me so many times.

        I take a step towards the door, carrying zero desire to stand in the chilly night with him while we twiddle our thumbs in silence. His hand shoots out catching my arm as I try to move past. His calloused palm on my skin sends a flair of heat through me but I try my best to douse it before it can grow into anything that will make me feel.

        “Didn’t seem like nothing.”

        “Don’t worry.” I load as much meaning into my words as I possibly can. “It really was.”

        His grip on my arm tightens, keeping me from leaving. “What the fuck is going on with you?”

Now he wonders.

Not when I stood in front of him a week ago and asked him to see me.

Fuck him.

        I pull my arm free and yank the door open, leaving him to smoke his cancer stick in silence. I’d rather eat cat litter than open up to him again.

        I’d just be trading one rejection for another.

        As soon as I cross into the main room, the humid heat from the crowd engulfs me as the band plays the last leg of their set. A slender arm weaves through the crush of costumes to tap my shoulder a second before Lisa and Nick come pushing their way over to me.

        “Hey, we’re going to head out. There’s another party on campus we need to put in an appearance at,” Nick drops a kiss on my cheek. “This was a great time though.”

        “FYI the sex god is hung up on you.” Lisa adds with a wink. “You’re going to have to tell us how he is. The curiosity is killing me.” She laughs leaning in for a quick hug.

        “Trust me, that’s not the case.” 

        “You sure about that?” She cocks a knowing eyebrow and then heads out. 

        “Hit us up if you want to meet later!” Nick calls as they hit the stairs.

         Nina’s cinnamon perfume sweetens the air as she comes up behind me. “They seem nice.” I turn and grimace at my hot mess of a bestie. Her white swan costume has a huge spill down the front and her tiara is a little askew. 

I reach up and straighten it for her. “I’m gone for five minutes and you’re a disaster.”

        “Oh please. I look so good.” She waves me off as her eyes pinch with tentative concern. “You okay?”

        “I’m used to it.” I lean over to wipe my empty table before a new crowd takes it.

        She gives my back a quick rub remaining at my side for a moment before she reluctantly heads back to Luke who’s in a mad hatter costume and sitting over at the bar. He snakes an arm around her as she approaches and smiles broadly down at his girl before he drops a kiss on the tip of her nose. 

        They look so happy together.

Must be nice.

Without really meaning to, I find Jamie and our eyes collide. He’s standing behind the bar, ignoring whatever Tasha is saying as he stares me down. His gaze is intense, like he’s trying to rip me apart from across the room. It’s definitely an upgrade from the emotionally void angle he’s been working with.

        Too little, too late.

        I nuzzle deeper into my indifference as I force myself to absorb the sad truth of what he and I really are. We’ll never be happy like Luke and Nina.  Because at the end of the day, I’m not enough.

        He may want me. 

        He may even care about me.

        But. Not. Enough.

        I can’t do this to myself again. I can’t follow someone around and beg them to just care. I hold his gaze for another few seconds, allowing myself a silent farewell to all that could have been. Then I drop my lids and move on, ignoring the brand of his eyes on my back as I walk away. 

        And the rest of the shift.

        The only time my resolve falters is when he plays his set. But I don’t look up. I make it through his cover of Thunder Road, I carry on like I’m working in silence even though his voice is like flames licking the ice inside me

  The next song has me tapping out.

Moments Passed.

        Without a word, I hand Nina my apron and bill book, then pull Ryan around back. I’m not proud of the move.  I know how important tonight is to Nina but I can’t stay here another minute. I need to escape and I’m not giving anyone an opportunity to stop me.

        Probably shouldn’t have brought the meddler to walk with me though.

        “You ok Eves? You’ve been quiet all night.” He closes the back door behind him and we take the old steps out of the sunken alleyway up to the street. A bit of the makeup Nina painted on him earlier has smudged and his eyes are just a touch glassy. 

        Someone has been enjoying the party.

        I smile softly and fix his collar for him. “Of course. I am.”

        “You look sad.” 

        “I’ll be ok. Promise.”

        “Is it because of your birthday, Jamie, or both?” He whispers, like saying either of those things aloud is forbidden. 

        “Don’t you worry about me. I’ll be good as new by morning.” I laugh giving his arm a gentle pat. I’m lying of course. I have no doubt I’ll be a level ten shit show for the better part of the weekend but he doesn’t need to know that.

        Ryan worries. He’ll take my mood home with him tonight and hold on to it until he figures out how to fix me. Sometimes I think it’s a coping mechanism. I count to hide from my emotions. Ryan hides in his friend’s problems. Like if he can keep us happy then he’ll be okay too. I don’t think it works like that but I can indulge him for tonight.

        Ryan suddenly stops walking,  catching my hand at his halt.

        “You know we love you right?” He leans down and pulls me into a tight hug. “All of us.”

        The back of my eyes sting with unshed tears. Shit. I didn’t realize how much I needed to hear that tonight. I wrap my arms around him and give him a squeeze. “I love you all too.”

        He pulls back and looks at me intently. “He’s fucked up. Eva.”

        “I know.” There is no need to ask who he is. 

        “But I think he might actually be happy when he’s with you,” his smudged joker smile pulls into a crooked line as he frowns. “Which is more than any of us can say when it comes to him.”

        I lift my shoulder in a sad shrug. I give his arm another pat and head up the front steps of Townsend House. 

         Such a meddler.

***********

Jamie

  Where the hell did she go?

        I crane my neck to see if I can find Eva in the crowd. Not that it will take much, she really sticks the fuck out in that costume Nina shoved her into. I practically came in my pants like some pubescent twerp when I saw her this afternoon. 

        I missed her.

        I don’t want to keep going like we’ve been the past week. So what that some dickless asshole asked her out. It’s none of my business. I’m shitty at this friend thing but…

        I can at least try.

        For her.

        It’s what she’d do for me. But the second my eyes landed on her fuck-me-now costume I needed a few extra minutes to get my dick under control. 

        Apparently that was a few minutes too long. She’s been off ever since she got that text this afternoon. I’ve seen her angry and I’ve seen her anxious, even sad. But I’ve never seen her shut down like that. It was like some switch flipped and she just went cold. All night, she’s been acting like this, and I’d be lying if I said it wasn’t fucking me up.

        Out of the corner of my eye I spot Ryan come in from the back. He sees me and stomps over. He’s had a few tonight and he looks like he’s on a mission to get in my business.

        I love him but I don’t have time for it right now.

        “You need to fix your shit.” He says leaning across the bar to be heard over the crowd. 

        “You’re gonna need to be more specific, Ry.” I chuckle, acting like I’m concentrating on making drinks and not obsessing over my tiny ass neighbor. 

        I try to find Luke to run interference for me but I end up catching Nina’s eye instead. She gives me, what Eva likes to call, her Stupid-boy-wet-cat-expression and makes her way over to us.

        Shit. 

        Ryan isn’t done laying into me either. “Eva. Fix. It.” He clarifies. Just as Nina squeezes in next to him

        “Fix what?” She asks.

        No fucking point in denying it

        “Eva.” I answer. At least if I admit it, Ryan won’t have a chance to rat me out and piss me off. Nina hasn’t tried to murder me lately so I’m assuming Eva hasn’t told her about last week.

        Her eyes widen and I expect her to yell and maybe throw a pint glass or two, but instead she reaches over and covers my hand with hers.

        “Luke will take over the bar. She went home—“

        “What the fuck do you mean she went home?” I shout as a buzzing sensation begins in my temples. The fact that she’s walking alone at this time of night in that costume has my chest tightening in panic.

        “Ryan walked her back, don’t worry she’s safe.” Nina rolls her eyes, knowing how I get about shit like that. “But she’s not okay. Her dad called and I don’t think it went well and tomorrow is her birthday which she hates… I’m guessing because her parents suck… and she’s just all messed up.”

        Hold the hell ip.

        “Tomorrow is her birthday?” Eva never mentioned it. That’s weird especially since it’s her twenty-first.

        At least I already have a gift for her.

        Nina looks momentarily contrite. “Um, yeah. I was waiting for you guys to make up or whatever before I looped you in on our plans.”

        “Plans.” I echo, unable to keep the dread out of my voice. I can imagine what the twenty-first birthday plans Nina has in store for Doe Eyes.

        “Hey man. Seriously just go, I’ll set your tips aside and everything.” Ryan says redirecting the subject.

        Nina rounds the bar and starts pushing me into the back. She snaps her fingers at Luke getting his attention and jerks her chin for him to take over. Seriously, the little sprite could take over the world if she wanted to.

        Luke is up and rounding the bar, not missing a beat as he jokes around with Tasha and Lacy who are dressed as a pair of pirates and drinking rum instead of their normal old fashions. The trio waves goodnight as Nina continues jabbing her damn talons in my back as we duck through the low doorway that leads into the back kitchen. Within seconds everything is awash in cold grey light and the roar from the front is muted enough that I can hear our shoes squeaking against the tiled floor.

        She gets me to the door, shoves my jacket into my chest and glares. “Go.”

        “Why the hell are you so adamant about this?“ Eva got home safe. That’s all that matters and it’s probably for the best anyway.

        “Because,” She crosses her arms and pins me with the wet cat look. “You’re being a dumbass and I’m saving you from yourself.” 

        “For fucks sake,” I try to get back to the bar. “Just because you finally have a girlfriend who can stand you, doesn’t mean you have to force everyone into doing what you think she wants.”

        “Okay, first of all,” Nina plants a hand on my chest keeping me in place. “Fuck you, I’m a goddamn delight. And secondly,” she lets out a reluctant sigh. “Real talk. I love you both so damn much and I just want to see you happy.”

        I’m stuck in uncomfortable silence for a second. We don’t do this. She’s always been wise enough not to start any feely shit with me. 

        “Neen, I don’t do happy.” I shake my head and try again to get back to the bar. I appreciate the sentiment but I’m done discussing this shit with her.

        The little tyrant just shoves me back; hard this time.

        “That’s cool,” she shrugs. “What about Eves? Do you want her to be happy?”

         I try riding this shit out in silence; but never one to be intimidated, she reaches out and flicks me between the eyes when I take too long to answer. 

        “Goddamnit!” I hate it when she does that. “Yes, you happy now? Why the hell do you think I’ve been staying away—“

        “Ah-hah! I knew it!” She cuts me off wagging a wise finger back and forth. “My god, you’re dense. Did it ever occur to you that maybe it’s actually you that makes her happiest?”

        I laugh bitterly. That’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard.

        “Because let me tell ya,” Nina continues advancing as she forces me closer to the back door. “The last few weeks… Eves lights the hell up and becomes the best version of herself when you’re with her, and do not act like she’s idealizing you or whatever because we all know you were a massive dick for the better part of her time here.”

        Each word is like a punch to the gut. The idea, such a pretty one. That I’m somehow a positive force in Eva’s life. I’d be lying if I said I hadn’t tried to be. But at the end of the day it’s un-fucking attainable. Like some priceless gemstone in a museum. I can see it, I can even get close, but ultimately… it’s behind glass and it’ll never be mine. Because I don’t make people happy.

        I tear them apart.